08 January 2008

a traffic jam when you're already late is not irony, alanis, it is just bad luck

being anxious about taking an anti anxiety med- THAT is ironic.
back story: i used to love to fly. LOOOOOVE it. i was one of those kids who got to fly by themselves, so flight attendants would give me little plastic wings and i even got to sit in first class once to be closer to the flight attendant in charge of me. baggage carousels rocked my world. turbulence was like a ride! i was all about air travel.
but somewhere during my 14 hour flight from london to singapore five years ago, my body suddenly realized that it was in a huge metal tube, thousands of feet off the ground, going ridiculously fast. bernoulli's principle, my ass! from then on, with the exception of flying to perth on qantas (thanks for the free beer!), i was not a happy camper. but overall, it was that i was grumpy and a little uneasy.
as time passed, my fear of flying has increased. i start getting anxious the day before i fly out. i freak out at every bump, grabbing the seat rest until i have white knuckles- i thought this was just an expression, but no, it happens. i cry when turbulence gets bad. i start to breathe in exaggerated deep breaths in an effort to calm myself down. i try not to think about how high i am off the loving, stable ground, but the stupid pilot keeps on telling up our altitude and i can't help but focus on it.

so yeah, my and flying don't really mix.

kicker is, i still love to travel. i mean, yes, i have accepted my deep lazy streak but my friends are all spread out everywhere and i do love seeing them and new places. i just hate flying to get there.
tomorrow, i'm going to california to see alice, a dear friend from college. i've been anxious about this flight since i booked it months ago. so when i went to the doctor yesterday to get a new asthma inhaler, i asked him if there was anything i could do to relive some of this stress and anxiety. i expected some visualization techniques, but instead i got a prescription for xanax.

and because i shoudn't take it for the first time on a transcontinental flight, he said that i should take one before i leave to see how i react. so, i just took my first one.

now, i'm all for medication. when someone has a headache, i'm the first person to ask if they want some aleve from the stash i always have on me. when i'm sick, dayquil and nyquil are my best friends, along with vick's vapor rub. believe you me, i love pharmaceutical science.

but something that messes with my brain kinda freaks me out, even if in the long run it will stop larger freak outs. yes, i fret about anti anxiety meds.
it is starting to kick in... and funnily enough, i'm less worried about it. go make a song about that, ms morissette.

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