28 January 2009

Best Craigslist Missed Connection Conversation EVER

to the girl who pepper-sprayed me - m4w - 26 (Metro)

Reply to: pers-1008899338@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-26, 5:59PM EST

You: Bookish, long jacket, fluffy scarf, small bag, and pony-tailed hair (cute!!)
Me: Long black trench coat, jeans, tall, ski mask

I had just come into the Chinatown metro, from the blistering cold, headed for the green line towards Petworth, when I saw you. You were standing very close to the 'down' escalator, and peering intently at your blackberry. It didn't take long for me to see that you were my type. Not to say that I am loose in requirements, but you immediately fit my physical ideals, and there was something about your pose that spoke of your attitude and style. I had just come from a soul-searching meeting with a close friend, and I had decided that there was no more pussy-footing on my part; I should take hold of life, and stop 'missing' potential 'connections.'

As I rapidly attempted to figure out a way to approach you, the lights at my feet started flashing, indicating a very real limit to the time I had. I quickly settled on simply introducing myself and began to run in your direction. In hindsight, i think I should have removed my ski-mask first.

You probably took my swift approach as something menacing, since it was late, and the lighting is not too good down there. This was not my intention, believe me! This all dawned on me suddenly, as well, as the events begin to play out. Within seconds I saw your hand dive in your bag. At first I thought you were just putting away your blackberry, a polite gesture! The next second, a small red and black canister emerged. Uh oh. In my rapid attempt to slow down, I saw you uncap it, make eye-contact, and spray. By the time I could see again, you were gone.

This might sound crazy, but right before that toxic liquid came gushing at me, I think we might have had a moment. I got to stare into your stunning green eyes, and I think I might have seen a flash of desire, as you caught glimpse of my baby blues (that is, before they turned a vicious red, with my eyelids clamping shut and tears pouring out).

I understand now that my actions were far too forward, and you might have been hurt by guys like me in the past. If you're interested, though, I'd like to get together sometime, and try to make a real connection. You don't have to worry, I'm not mad! I won't be pressing charges (and hopefully neither will you).

To the guy I pepper-sprayed - w4m - 26 (Metro)

Reply to: pers-1010382566@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-27, 7:06PM EST

Me: Bookish, long jacket, fluffy scarf, small bag, and pony-tailed hair (cute!!)
You: Long black trench coat, jeans, tall, ski mask

I had just come into the Chinatown metro from the blistering cold, trying to find the address of the bar where I needed to meet my friends. as I checked my Blackberry, I saw you from the corner of my eye. The black of your ski mask brought out the blue of your eyes, and I knew there was something there. But I was just another girl at the metro, another lonely heart in a sea. As the lights began flashing at your feet, I saw the approaching Green line train as a sign that you would be another missed connection.

But then you were coming towards me, with the speed of a track star and the determination of a fat cheerleader. I could see that you were the type of guy who could approach any girl, and every failed relationship and broken promise flashed before my eyes. How could I stand out? Before I knew it, my hand gripped the black and red canister of pepperspray, a birthday gift from my mother.

You took it like a man, but you need to work on your drop step. I think we had a moment as you stifled your cries and tears streamed down your face. My heart pounded as I ran away. I would love to see you again.


karel said...

wait, wait - is this real?!?!

tatiana said...

Oh yes. Or an elaborate ruse. In either case- LOVE IT.